Annie On Writing

June 22, 2016

Retail therapy by Keith Gillison

Filed under: Twisted Tales,Writing Tools — Annie Evett @ 2:30 pm
“So, I went to the shop to get food for my tarantula and came home with food for my tarantula – and an Asian Jungle Scorpion,” Helen said, from her comfortable position lying on the leather sofa.

Dr. Miller nodded and gestured for her to continue.

“She’s called Nyx, after the Greek goddess of the night. All my invertebrates are named after Greek goddesses.”

“And how did your husband react to this?” asked Miller.

Helen frowned.

“Not too well. He’s unhappy about me turning the spare room into a tropical arachnid and reptile house. We had another row.”

“Because of the tarantulas?”

“It’s an Asian Jungle Scorpion, and no it wasn’t because of that.” Helen sat upright on the sofa. “I bought some other items while I was out.”

“Aha,” said Miller. He placed his reading glasses on and sat poised with pen and notebook. “And what did you buy?”

Helen scrunched her face in thought.

“I was on such a high from the Asian Jungle Scorpion purchase that I felt like rewarding myself, so I popped to M&S and bought this lovely black dress. It’s gorgeous, reduced to £200. They were practically giving it away.”

Dr. Miller sighed and shook his head. He adjusted his spectacles as he made notes. It was something he’d seen therapists do in movies.

“After I got the dress I was buzzing so I treated myself to some new heels.”

“And how did that make you feel?” Miller may have only been practising psychotherapy for a few years since graduation, but he was a firm believer in the maxim ‘if in doubt, ask a question.’

“Amazing! I felt fantastic,” Helen beamed as she fidgeted with her hands. “So I popped to the jewellery counter and got myself a pair of silver earrings and a pearl necklace and then…”

Dr. Miller scribbled frantically on the pad. He couldn’t keep up with his patient.
“I bought a bottle of perfume,” Helen panted. “Wait, it was two bottles.” She jumped to her feet.

Dr Miller stopped writing. He recognised the signs.

“OK, I think you need to try and calm down. Can you sit down please and we’ll practice your breathing exercises.”

“Oh sod that. I feel incredible. I could just do with nipping to the shops now; get some crickets for the scorpion, a mouse for the snake and then pop into Next – they’ve got a sale on.”

Dr. Miller placed his hands on Helen’s shoulders.

“Breathe with me now, in…and out…in…”

“I don’t want to,” Helen yelled, pushing him away. “I want to go shopping. The thought of all those shops – God it turns me on so much. I feel like running out, grabbing the nearest man and…”

“Whoa. Stop there, please. I’ve been through this with you before; we’re here to talk about your shopping problem. If you need a sex therapist I can recommend some very good ones.”

“Huh,” Helen snapped. “You’re such a prude. Every time I talk about sex you try and get rid of me. Shopping turns me on, you can’t ignore that.”

“No, no,” Miller bleated. “I’m not going there. I think it’s best you see another therapist.”

Helen jumped in front of the door, blocking Miller’s attempt to usher her out.
“You ungrateful… Your practice would be tiny if it wasn’t for me sending all my mad friends here. And what thanks do I get? Well, I want to talk about sex. Why won’t you let me? Why?”

Miller blushed and took a deep breath.

“Because I only agreed to these stupid sessions to stop Dad going bankrupt over your crazy spending, that’s why. If you carry on like this you’ll lose the house, Mum, and you’re not bloody well living with me!”

Helen Miller shrugged and looked at the floor.

“I suppose I could take the scorpion back.”


1 Comment »

  1. Well, that would be…awkward!


    Comment by ganymeder — June 26, 2016 @ 11:31 am | Reply

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